Washing the Dishes and the Way of Love

Back when all three of our daughters were younger and living at home, there were times when the daily grind of life seemed, in many ways, futile. I remember feeling this really deeply one night, standing at our kitchen sink, washing the dishes. Unlike Brother Lawrence, who wrote of practicing God’s presence and finding joy in Christ while cleaning pots and pans in the kitchen of his medieval monastery, I began to hate washing the dishes. I’d finish our pots and pans, get the dishwasher loaded and started, have a clean kitchen, and before you knew it there were more dirty dishes, spills, and stuff left out on the counter. A small and mundane thing, but nevertheless I was sick of doing it.

Several things led to my dishwashing discontent: a need for control, some selfishness, a bit of laziness, and simply being emotionally and physically drained by the demands of life. At some point it struck me that the only thing that could make this valuable, the only thing that could motivate me to do it without being miserable, was pretty simple. It was love. Washing the dishes was a way to love my wife and kids. Therefore, it was also a way to love God.

Benedictine nun and author Joan Chittister tells us that a secret to the spiritual life is “the significance of small things in a complex world. Small actions in social life, small efforts in the spiritual life, small moments in the personal life.” As she points out, we live in a culture of excess that teaches us bigger is better. In such a culture, it really doesn’t matter whether or not we do the dishes. Important people don’t do the dishes. They’ve got more money to make, more power to gain, more fame to seek. In such a culture, not much that I do matters because I’m not one of the important people. And washing the dishes is a small thing. It doesn’t matter.

But I learned an important lesson. The small things do matter. Here, as in everything, love makes all the difference. I learned that love gave meaning to washing the dishes. Love made it matter. It does the same for the rest of life.

There is so much to understand, say, and do in response to the love of Christ. Whatever words we come up with seem inadequate. But that’s to be expected. The love of Christ is one of the deep truths of God. Of course we cannot fully capture it in words. Love is the foundation of who Christ is. It is the foundation of the relationship between the members of the Trinity. It is foundational to the very nature and heart of God. Love should also be the foundation of who we are and how we live, as followers of the Way.

Some of us celebrate love on Valentine’s Day. Some of us don’t. But regardless of what we do or don’t do on this holiday, the love God shows us is foundational to the love we share with others. In love, we affirm the goodness of the existence of other human beings. All of them. Or better yet, all of us. We are also disposed, as Jesus is, to act in ways that are good for others. We value them, and their flourishing, for their own sake.

In Christ, love is foundational to everything. Even washing the dishes.

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The above is adapted from my forthcoming book, due out March 12: